A Time to Reflect with Thanksgiving.

Yeah, it's Monday again... after 2 days of rest... (i should not say physical rest, but rather rest from work)...

Went to watch "X men" on sat with 2 of my frens, and "KTV Release".. haha... not just i watch Xmen once but twice... watched it again yesterday... actually, e frisbee game was cancelled due to rain, and it's quite early...was thinking of going home to catch up with sleep... but oops, i did have access home... aiyah... was thinking of "seeking refuge" but dun wanna trouble anyone, called my sis 4 help... but she's outside shopping with her bf... n my parents outside n they did not pick up e phone after phone bombards...so anyway, she suggested watching movie to pass time... n GV TB has really limited choice (it only show over the hedge, e Da Vinci Code n Xmen)... over the hedge is selling fast, so i reckoned that the seats also quite lousy) n DaVinci Code is definitely a big NO.. so i was left with the last choice.. Xmen... hmmm, didnt managed to sleep there... since the movie itself was quite exciting...n i got to see my fav character.. =)

mentally also not at my best... nearly blow up with my senior early in the morning, coz i was quite angry with her... actually, i dun think i should deprive of such rights... even though she may be still angry with me... reasons, i also dun know... how wish i know... i was too angry to find out what's the cause now... not that i'm angry with her... i think i need to cool down first, if not i cant fully focused at work... anyway, i spent quite a while at the a.p.stn today, renewing my pass together with my senior, d.s and hf (coleks working at CAT2)... Spent almost 1/3 of my time there.

after which my senior had a long mtg there...While waiting for our turn for the foto shot n making of our pass ( it's really really a long wait)... i took my beauty nap right at the chair, ignoring pp's stare... hmmm, fortunately i dun snore.... wait for feeling refreshed... then i realised by then, it's quite late... n it's almost our lunch time.. (12.50pm), i only saw ds n hf... hmmm, where's my senior? so decided to ask ds where she's is... hmmm, i must be cock-eye or still in my dream... she's sitting right in front of me, few rows in front n both of them were sitting behind me... anyway, this time i decide to take e initiative, quite weird esp when i'm still feeling a bit strange doing that... still cold... aiyah...would leave this to my prayer... Physically, still tired now... am going to turn in early tonight... guess what time i slept last night???

Oh, today bought a Kit-Kat chocalate... it's came with a freebie... only can get it from CAT2... i think... never saw it at the city area too... yo, a good buy, but make me poorer by 20 bucks... =(
Guess who i met today, wow... never would i ever met my best fren from Quest, n band buddy in the bus home today, she just married to her boy (after 10 years)... hmmm, i'm actually involved in bring them together indirectly)... Oops... it's really good to see her n catch up with her after the last time i catch up with her is more than 1 year ago... actually, i'm not good in maintaining relationships... actually am thinking of catching up with her, but weekends she will be with her boy so hmmm, that's leave to weekdays... which sometimes i also got caught up with work too... hmmm, shall set more time to catch up with my poly frens too, which i also guilty of that... Oops...

Guess it's not more than a mere coincidence... i actually can forgot to bring my bag from work en route to gym today... n halfway thru, i suddenly rememebered that's soomething that's missing from my hand... Oops, i carry too many stuffs today... so had no choice but to head back office, which i quite dreaded... y??? it's a good 10mins walk from the main road... n e tot if i reached office, what's if my boss is back from her mtg?? hmmm, never mind abt that... anyway, by then, office is nearly emptied... so when i took all my stuffs, realised that it's maybe too late to go gym, since they only opened up to 9pm... so decided to walk to take a bus home... so that's how i met up with my best fren. shall go tmr instead.... or the day after...

Needed a good release from work stress before i collapsed from it... actually i dun think it's due to the pressure of meeting to my boss's expectations... but!!!... ya, still accumulated quite a number of classes unused... which i must finished by end of Oct, i think.. but better starting using now, if not, i will have to struggle to finish again when the time comes... Okay, from today onwards, i will disciplined myself to go at least 2 times a week... hopefully, can catch up with the lost time... but the offers that i had offer still stands...

For a while, i didnt get to see the daylight after work as i walked along Havelock road to South Bridge Rd to take my bus home... Hehe... complaining again!!! =S Something that i can look forward hopefully from today onwards... Dun wanna work OT everyday... and dun get to enjoy e things that i used to njoy... like going to gym, playing sports... (am thinking of joining my company's organised games like bowling, soccer, badminton or even jogging on these weekdays)... and hopefully can to know more of my coleks... my company not a small organisation lor...... can remember their faces but not their names... i'm bad with names... hehe...

n today i left office able to see the daylight for the 1st time... i dun meant in my whole life but this week... esp days when i have to leave office early to go for BSF class... 5 weeks break, means i dun have to go for Discussion time and lecture every Monday for 5 weeks... Oh ya, am already thinking of going to watch a movie / sing karaoke or do something else... on next week onwards... my team-mates just went yesterday to K-Box... they went to relax after months of working to midnight everyday of preparing BQ... today all of them left office on the dock... i managed to leave office today, not because i have cleared stuffs on my table, just wanna give myself a break.. plus i have finally submit a heavy workload on my superior's desk just now before i left for e day. Guess what time i left office today, not 12am, 11pm, 10pm, 9pm, 8pm, 7pm... Yes, i finished work at 6pm. it's good to see the sun before it went down... yeah...

ya, sometimes, when we worked hard, it's good to treat ourselves for the effort we had put in...
which i seldom did in the past... hehe... yesterday went down to site for a site walk with the m.c on my own... at first was quite reluctant... but have no choice but to do... anyway, after the site walk, i went to walk ard... Oops, eat snake again... but i dun feel good eating snake, so went to buy sum "Cystal Jade bread" and left... aiyah, i missed going inside, am preparing myself a shopping spree next month... Had wanted to get some chocolates which i like it very much... plus got d/c... =) will ask my colek to get it for me when she go there next week or when me and sum of e coleks next week when we go there again.

Sometimes, when i dun understand what's happening, have to trust God... (Prov 3:5-6 says: " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your way acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight").
Another principle from BSF also a good reminder to me "Total Obedience to the Will of God Enables one to experience His miracles"... I do need big miracles in my life now... TOTAL OBEDIENCE... i just wanna pour out to my heart contents... but maybe not today... as i'm wanted to do, but in such a long time, i didnt have the time to do... worshipping God with my guitar and my voice...

okay, shall stop here... will continue again....

Today such a packed and rushed day, starting from early morning 7.30am, woke up for e early 8.45am service... Yo, i was late.... late by 1/2 hr... Oops... have to confess, that i couldnt wake up on time... was quite tired actually... after service which i have to rush down to PS to meet my parents and sister to have an early lunch(celebrated my mum's bd).... after which i have to rush back to church to meet up with my cell pp to do down for preparation for our part... Phew, tired from rushing around...

Yeah, our first hope outing is at the Pasir Ris Park, which quite lot of pp came... pp which i long time never met in church like KY, K, C&D, TBL&DC etc... we started off with some ice-breaker games led by BL n GH, quite fun.... but we were late coz we lost our way there... enjoyed the worship led by BL, it's really a long long time since i worship God under the sun... wow, singing and worshiping together with the nature... the sea, trees etc... wow, had a chance to practice on my photography skills but still a long long way to improve on my skill... guess that i'm not a multi-tasking pp, which when i want to focus on sum thing then i will missed out another thing... Oops... Ya, i also took some really nice photo using DRk's camera... anyway, he promised to sent to me thru MSN... hope to download to this blog or friendster or multipy account... haven decided yet... anyway it's my first time downloading photo...

Ya, though i missed out the delicious food... but still managed to catch a mouthful of the birthday cake n sum otah... oh, n sum of the salad that our cell make... I practiced sum frisbee with our Hope Frisbee gang like T-warrior, JY, N, Jache, DRK, etc.... after which WB suggested we played soccer, started with only 3 vs 4 pp in each team (as most of e pp wanted to eat first), i played too... =) Managed to score 2 goals (hmmm, 1 which is an OG)... terrible defending... n i just kicked the ball into my own goal... the other one was phew, i managed to steady myself before kicking the ball into the opponent's goal. my legs terribly tired now, after kicking the ball for quite a long time... Really enjoyed myself... after which when sufficient guys join in, i got myself substituted...

hmmm, i think i also lost the co-ordination between my left leg and right leg... haha... quite bad..... but i cannot keep helping, but to stare astonish the number of times Joel squanher sum of sure goals. Okay, i'm equally bad... just that when the right time and chance, i just took it... the way i kicked the ball, i think can really make pp laugh off their stomache... ( just as few years back, how i laughed at 2 sisters in SPNav the way they kicked the ball)... anyway, this sister wont be reading this blog... haha... she was supposed to kick the bal forward, instead she kick it upwards... to the basketball hoop... i still can remember it clearly....) such times... Oh ya, we always play soccer in the basketball courts, cause we got only 1 proper soccer field which the soccer team will used for their practise (which different day for male and female team)... was once comteplating whether joining in the school team... but just a glacing tots only... and the other field which most of the guys will book the other improper field (next to FC5) straight after their classes... so left with the 5 basketball courts....

really memorable times playing soccer, basketball, captain ball, boardgames, singsperation, after school with my Nav basic... Oops, this can explain the avg results i got every sem... beside involving in "cold turkey", BS, prayer meets, outings, Inter-Nav competitions etc... as i think back, my life back then is exciting (guess journey with the Lord is alway exciting)... hopefully will still... =)

This week have been to beach 2 times, today is the 2nd time... njoyed the seabreeze.....yesterday to ECP, today Pasir Ris Park... Wow, saw number of plane flying past the beach... though the planes were quite small as they were from a distance... managed to catch one pic using my new hp... doesnt come out nice but it's still a photo which i want to keep for memory...
Oh yesterday, guess whom i met up yesterday ( was susposed to catch a movie at PS, but due to the tkt system is down thus i couldnt booked the tkt in time for that time slot)... Oh, i met my boss CL, she was there shopping with her husband... I was rushing to take a escalator up to book the tickets when from the corner of my eyes, i saw CL, there viewing sumthing... think she's too engrossed so when i walked over and stay silent for a while... haha... always like to walk over to her desk without opening my mouth, think that how's i communicate with her.... she always the same, too engrossed in her work... then she noticed my presence... had a good talk with her there... =)

Just kinda hope things will get better... work too... lesser work and increased manpower in myteam... Last week, we had our director's meeting... as most of the team is fairly new, our executive director wanted to get us know better, so he really asked a lot of questions.... actually, i have ever shared with my boss CL that i would really love to handle my own project and doing on a BQ tender, hmmm, she told this to the exc-director that... But unfortuate, i was genna shot down by my own AD, guess what he said... he said he that he doubt i could do this and unlikely i would have such chance... hmmm, could already can guess what's his reaction...

Okay, shall finished here... Oh ya, tmr will be the last lesson for BSF, which i will have to learn to be disciplined in my QT... which i still haven got a hold yet... =( I will missed the discussion time and sharing time... n doing of the lessons....

Yeah, think my body system seems to get used to sleeping late esp on Friday nights... Just got back home from office... dun seems tired in office, but e moment when i stepped home just now, was terribly exhausted...

Me n my office kakis worked until she cannot tahan, and so i drop off all my uncompleted work to be resume on Monday... she's rushing out a BQ on Monday and i got to hand in my PP at my boss table by midnight as what i had promised or she expects me to finish by today(oh i mean friday)... anyway, she's coming back tmr, so i have no choice but to stay back late so that the PP can end up at her desk tmr for her to go thru...

Am going to sleep soon... after writting this blog...

dun know what to update this week... actually, work-wise, have been trying too hard to be productive at work, end up with even worse state... but hopefully will get better next week... this week had been quite a roller-coaster ride for me,... having to go thru a lot of shocks and heart-attack moments with lotsa of twists and turns... just now as i work OT with my e other colek, she commented something... but anyway... i will have to be careful of what i do or be clear of what i want... or else it will give pp a wrong impression... am trying my best to clear the stock off my table before it's overloaded and the whole table may collapsed from the over-the -limits... am super unclear of what's on my mind now... guess i cant think, so the process thru my mind is also in it's blur state... hehe... if i know that situation is within my control, then i will be less stress, but so what??? I knew something's going to happen and i cant do/help to salvage e situation but to see it coming to reality... am still trying to face reality!!!

Just woke up after a short nap.... Zzzzz.. =) Just simply too tired to "Dong" after i reached home late afternoon... went to Ikea and got myself a potted plant which i have been eyeing for the past 1 mth... (y i went to Ikea, cos i got myself locked out of the house, bring out the wrong keys- i meant i have taken out some old keys out so am stucked outside e hse, so while waiting for my parent's rescue since they also outside "partoking")..hmmm, at first went to sleep with e intention to sleep until tmr morning... but guess i have lost the "ability" to sleep such lengthy rest...(except few months back had done once when i slept at abt 8 until e next day 8 plus)... so end up wake up just now, doing nothing but no choice must find something to do.. so blog lor.... Now even though i maybe tired, i will still insist on "donging", til i collapsed...

Just realised that time can passes by so fast without me knowing... (think it's due to the fact that i have to work OT everyday, sometimes to close to early morning the following day)... but i'm not e only one in my team doing that... almost half of my team work to close to midnight, and just this friday, we had our first casualty of the month felling ill due to working late every day... not just that physically tiring, we seems to have lost our social life... ( e PQS who doing on e BQ tender lament ed that she didnt had time to socialise)... see her work almost 7 days and depending on her strength on those isotonic drink... if she has no one to turn to for her daily strength... then how about me???
A thought for me to realised it... Just shared with someone a thought of mine to allocate time for work, and set a limits for working OT... e latest i must leave office by 7 or 7.30pm.. beside it's will give me time for other things that's have higher priority that just work, Time with God, time with love ones like my family, friends, coleks at work... i think it would give me greater empahsis during work and less procrastinations thus leading to work OT... and of course focusing on the more impt tasks on hand... Got started only this week, though not very successful in handling all my work... but it's helps me to stay focus on one tasks more efficient and less mistakes... have to fine-tune my planning every day each morning, time before i start work, had to work on my daily task-list... so will focus on higher priority tasks first... which i hope that with that i will be able to make it for weekly prayer meets, cell meetings. I'm have lost count of the times i have missed cell..

I think that i too dun have anyone to turn to for strength cos God is my strength and my sustainer... Though i would say that i seems to lost time due to the fact that when i got myself indulge with work, where's God? Of course, i cant turn back e clock and re-done the things that i have done in e past...things that i had done with regrets, hurts that i have indirectly caused to my love ones (which includes my direct boss), e only thing i can do now is to look forward to e future with hope... plus gained experience... not forgetting that God's my Hope.

Was indeed quite encouraged during one of the lessons that i have learned during one of the BSF lessons... one of the thoughts that touches me, gives me hope and strength to run ahead knowing that with confidence...
it's taken from the book of Hebrews 4:15-16... but also quoted in verse 14 as well..

v14" Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. V15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. V16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Ever since started on the book of Genesis, i have find something that's quite new to me about my knowledge of God... that indeed my understanding of the Word, i would say, is quite shallow... esp on the part of God's patience of waiting for sinners to repent of their sin, hmmm, first one was the Noah's Ark, Bethel Tower...... the list goes on... Sometimes, i used to think that does Jesus understand my sufferings? those times when i have to endure and holding on? though i have memorised hebrews 2:18 "Because he himself (referring to Jesus) suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are been tempted)... what have i hold on? on God's promise... It's once again a promise that i can hold on and rely on when i'm weak.

Had ever shared during the discussion groups, that times when i fell in my spiritual walk, knowing that God will allow me to have chances to repent... until His ultimate judgement on menkind... but i too, cannot take this for granted...
Also shared with my DL, during our chat on the phone, times i complain, grumbled to her my struggles.. how her encouragements got me going... Oh ya, before i forgets, had shared with her that all the bible knowledge i got, that i realised it's just simply head-knowledge... Have been learning to put it into practice, though times seems beyond my ability...

Relationships with my direct boss improved... aiyah, dun know y? but seems broken realationships always breaks my heart... Times when i couldnt understand y it happens, but i have to trust God for His Sovereignty. Had tried out the prayer that i have learnt (forgot where i have learnt) Oops, getting more forgetful each day...but anyway.... thanking God in advance... just that there's no verse in the bible that i can claim on... Am i praying based on blind faith?? But i do see situation has changed, in my attitude towards her, her responses etc... things dun get as heaty as before... and i have to learn to be thankful to God for everything that had happened in my life... things that's in e past, but also days ahead as well. I'm praying that i will surrender to God all my weakness, esp pridefulness which i have shaked off, which then it came back to haunt me... this week, i have done with the help from God... and i'm thankful that our working relationships improved, though friendship is still far from fully restored... I'm on the process of relearning to forgive and forgets...

Just remembered a thing that i had always wanted to do, since i really procrastinate too too long... n i believed that e person waiting for that, also waited until the neck can becomes "giraffe's neck"shall put it to action tonight... Okay, enuff of my lengthy blog. =P shall Stop here...

Abt to leave office for e day....

had only abt 2 hours of sleep last nite... think it happens when we slept past our usual sleeping hours... experienced this 2 times, once last friday when i work until 3am and yesterday, when i left office at 1am.... it's quite strange, since my boss also genna that the day before me... when i reached home, plus dilly-dally, i went to bed at abt 2.30am.... though body was super tired, but just couldnt fall asleep.

felt today like a zombie today... phew, my boss also not in...

Am preparing to go home but..... after a super long day at work today... n at last finished all my tender documents...

Genna missed CG again... =(
if not for work??

Dun feel like going home, so that's y am sticking my bum to my comfortable chair, with good back support...

It's been a long day, of frustrations, quarrels, disagreements and stuffs... Was almost at e verge of giving up.... having to endure hurts after hurts... emotional bombs thrown at me almost every minute from my "direct boss", never mind if i make mistakes, but when no mistakes from me and all the blame/hurtful words from her mouth, all genna shoot back on me and i have to bear it all... i really dreaded it when times when my boss just give me silent treatment when i dun even know e reasons y she does that... esp when i need to discuss with her.... for no good reasons, she will find something to find fault with me... not referring to work, but rather personal attacks... i wont know if she find faults with me, and yet didnt want to tell me, then i will still be in dark and she will one day cannot tahan and explode... i dun even know y she exploded at me??? mentally shattered, physically tired... if i could find a hole in the ground, am very glad to jump into it now...

though both of us were quite stressed up and words that stabbed right into e hearts sometimes flew about... but still, i'm really appreciated her afforts to guide me along in preparing a lump sum contract even though i have never had got a chance until now.. am i'm grateful to her for her patience and perservence when i'm learning e ropes all these while... even since she join T2U project and D.Park final account.

I do have to admit sometimes my actions can really irks her, to the point of her exploding... hmmm, i wrote about my weakness but didnt mentioned them... i have to admit that i'm quite a prideful person, times when i did make mistakes in my work and yet refused to acknowledge when confronted... am really a stubborn and "strong-headed" person labelled by others... even though know that i'm at fault, i will still insist in doing my way... i'm not a very tidy worker at work, my coleks are best witnesses... and my boss can get very irriated e way i do my work... of course, during this while... have been learning to relearn and humbled to admit my mistakes... actually, i realised that selective listening do me no good but more harm... am trying very heard to get rid of that... Not forgetting I'm still "in progress" product towards perfection...

It hurts me much more when i have to shoot back at her during times when i just simply cannot tahan any more or times when i left with no choice but to quarrel with her or we disagreed... she's e sort must win, but some times, i will hold on to my agruement and explosions of verbal abuse... Perhap, both of us were also quite low-stress tolorence...

Try means of reconcilations... only left me further hurts and with tears... just couldnt bear any more...

If i only know how to handle those times of conflicts earlier, at least still can salvage this friendship....aiyah...but now relationship with my direct boss is beyond repair... i got have myself to blame for all these, a lots of Ys flashed thru my mind? Y i do this? Y i must do that? Y??? Just simply too tired to get things right now...

Also at lunch time, as i just tabao lunch back... my AD wants to talk to me... firstly is my OT claims... which i'm helping out my CL to get e tender doc (which i can claim OT- it's payable)... genna ask y i need to claim so much OT? after i replied that i only claim that miserable 12hrs of OT for last month, he shutted up his mouth... (y?? course he didnt see my OT, instead he looked at the overall project claims which also includes the normal working hours lah)... ask for even more ridiculous stuffs like supporting documents from my boss's instructions/clients' instructions... come on mah, most of the instructions from my direct boss is often verbal... where can i find for him? without even give me e chance to explain, he rejected my OT claim for this week and warn me not to work OT too often(mind u, i work for almost 15hrs for this week)... crazy mah, if i got a choice, i'm not that gian to work... if not trying to rush out e tender and with clients's lotsa of chances every day...

y am i working so hard when my boss(AD) suspects me of dun know what... and dun even appreciated my work... He just simply biased against those get into his back books, and i have geena find myname inside this book... am too tired to reason with him, cause he will just simply shut off his ears... Not only that he likes to compare me and other AQS, if not that we doing on e same project or compared on the same basis?? Never mind, if he says that he's disappoints in me for no reasons today??? but to shoot me at my belief in God, i dun know what to say... okay, i should say that, i'm not a fantastic christian employee at my workplace... but to say that i'm a false witness for Christ is like... i dun know what to say... i too fall as a christian but i genna condemned because of that??? if he can substantiate his arguements with true facts, maybe i have nothing to say... but like that can come out from a brother (much older christian)?? he's not that fantastic witness for Christ too? what really boils my blood was trying to be a nice guy by giving me solutions for that?? study e Word, praying for myself, asking people to pray for me?? for goodness sake, i dun need u to tell me that lor... of course, when basic whom i can trust, i will easily say that i will need help in this area, but pls lor... my boss??

Thoughts of leaving seems louder each day... I just have no more energy for all these!!! Sianz... but then i dun know what lies ahead?? so stay put for e meanwhile... have ever mentioned that i wont stay here beyond 1 year, 1 year has passed... coming to 1 1/2 years... hopefully wont go beyond 2 years... guess, so even if i stay longer than that.. i dun know my future will be???